somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
