How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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