I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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