Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
