i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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