Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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