I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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