a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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