I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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