I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
