so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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