Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
