I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
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