I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
