Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
