How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize