Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
