She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
