oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
