If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
