dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
