I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
