I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
