My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
