I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
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