Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
