the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
