i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
So many bounce houses so little time
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
