Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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