My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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