just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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