nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize