I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
