Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
