omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
