I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
