Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
