i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
