When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
