i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
