Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize