i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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