Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
