My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Houston, we have a blender
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
