Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize