I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
