I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize