So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
