Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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