I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
