i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
