my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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