Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
soo... how was my night?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
