Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
