I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
