Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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