We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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