If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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